1 Year Ago I Wrote “I Am Weird” After Considering Death

Alec Zaffiro
3 min readJul 18
Journal #16: July 17th, 2022 (10:02am)

Not in touch with myself. It’s been almost two weeks since I sat alone and thought or wrote about my reality.

I am not high. I am focused. It’s Sunday.

I chose to rest and recoup last night and I created tension between Aja and I. I was tired. And not energized for dialogue. So I paid for it. As I do.

Life is never ending until it ends. One day I will die.

I don’t fear death. I fear life. Life is true suffering. Truly.

I am not watching my doctrine closely. I am influenced by people/my coworkers. I am part of a group. Group identity is dangerous.

I need to be free. I need to be me. I feel pressure and irritation from others. I will not be, reveal, or express myself under the influence of others.

I am weird.

Interpretation: 🔄

“I am weird..” Well that’s forsure. Who writes like this in their journal?

At the time, I lived with 5 roommates (also coworkers). We moved to a town for the sole purpose of work.

It was inherently difficult to find time alone here.

Alone time is necessary to me. I need space to think. And feel.

Otherwise, it’s like I’m drifting, being swept away, dissolving as a human.

Time alone is how I assess what’s going on and make up the world. It’s how I balance behavior, it’s my ticket to safety and optimism.

I’m a mess when I’m subject to social stimuli for long periods of time.

I lose myself… And to me, that’s the epitome of suffering.

courtesy Unsplash

Application: ⤵️

I think I made an interesting distinction when I wrote this entry:

I don’t fear death. I fear life. Life is true suffering. Truly.

Today, I’m reading Meditations by the great stoic philosopher Marcus Aurelius. This concept of death has come back around.

Alec Zaffiro

I write to think and organize my ideas. I like psychology, philosophy, and self-improvement—em dashes are my specialty. Not an expert.*