1 Year Ago I Wrote “I Am Weird” After Considering Death
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Not in touch with myself. It’s been almost two weeks since I sat alone and thought or wrote about my reality.
I am not high. I am focused. It’s Sunday.
I chose to rest and recoup last night and I created tension between Aja and I. I was tired. And not energized for dialogue. So I paid for it. As I do.
Life is never ending until it ends. One day I will die.
I don’t fear death. I fear life. Life is true suffering. Truly.
I am not watching my doctrine closely. I am influenced by people/my coworkers. I am part of a group. Group identity is dangerous.
I need to be free. I need to be me. I feel pressure and irritation from others. I will not be, reveal, or express myself under the influence of others.
I am weird.
Interpretation: 🔄
“I am weird..” Well that’s forsure. Who writes like this in their journal?
At the time, I lived with 5 roommates (also coworkers). We moved to a town for the sole purpose of work.
It was inherently difficult to find time alone here.
Alone time is necessary to me. I need space to think. And feel.
Otherwise, it’s like I’m drifting, being swept away, dissolving as a human.
Time alone is how I assess what’s going on and make up the world. It’s how I balance behavior, it’s my ticket to safety and optimism.
I’m a mess when I’m subject to social stimuli for long periods of time.
I lose myself… And to me, that’s the epitome of suffering.
Application: ⤵️
I think I made an interesting distinction when I wrote this entry:
I don’t fear death. I fear life. Life is true suffering. Truly.
Today, I’m reading Meditations by the great stoic philosopher Marcus Aurelius. This concept of death has come back around.
