1 Year Ago Marijuana Scared Me

January 19th, 2022 (10:08pm)

Alec Zaffiro


Photo by herbadea Berlin on Unsplash

Journal Entry #4

Night. It’s 2022. I feel different. I have not smoked for 12 days.

I’ve done some pretty crude things to get high. I’ve stolen from friends. I’ve gone searching in the mud and rain for a roach. I’m willing to drive over an hour.

I just think about the grip this drug has had on my adult life.

I started smoking when I was 15 or 16. I would sneak out.

I did weed in college, freshman and sophomore year. Junior and senior year it developed into a daily habit.

Upon graduation, I found ways to acquire it. Pens, cartridges, edibles. I’ve just consistently found ways to let it in.

But I will see what it’s like without it.

I smoke to feel creative. And think creatively. Perhaps it’s an escape. An illusion. Something that appears to make me creative.

I’ve built the habit of writing. I make music often. These are my habits.

Running is a habit. I’ve made it easy and trackable.

When I’m alone, I think and reflect and find reason to progress.

When I’m around others, I feel stuck and confined. Hm.


So this was me taking inventory of my relationship to cannabis.

I don’t think it’s objectively bad.

But I do have a love/hate relationship with it.

I conceptualize marijuana like a hammer — or a powerful tool.

Tools can be used wisely to develop and build.

Or tools can be used poorly to break and destroy.

At the time of writing this, I was very anxious, uncertain, and somewhat displaced by a recent change in work.

I was aiming at being a more upright version of myself, which meant relying on marijuana less.

It had become a crutch. And I was approaching the realm of abuse.

I think all substance-use is detrimental when consumed by a weak-minded individual.



Alec Zaffiro

I write to think and organize my ideas. I like psychology, philosophy, and self-improvement—em dashes are my specialty. Not an expert.*