Check out this gnarly email I got:
This was a cute little story, well-written too, but it doesn’t entirely fit the kind of comedy we do here at *saves face ‘cause influence is too strong.* I would submit this piece somewhere else, literally anywhere else but here. Also, in the future, please link to an unpublished draft so we can properly dismiss your submission.
- Incompetent Editor
Call me a Wendy’s special because I’m 4-for-4 with this shit—this is the fourth time this month I’ve received the same email from the same editor from the same publication telling me I’m really not funny.
“Sorry, this doesn’t fit in with our kind of comedy. We produce all our content from the finest non-GMO writers, free from disgusting amateur preservatives like you.” I resist passive-aggression: “Please sir, pleeeease enlighten me on what good comedy really is. Teach me the ways of funny. Show me the origins of humor. Tell me, what is your divine vision for the future of satire on Earth?”
How the hell is one guy’s sense of humor the sole basis for what thousands of other people find funny and/or entertaining? I hope they held a mandatory, all-staff meeting to discuss my style of comedy. I hope there was heated debate and cross-cultural miscommunication, just to make things complicated.
Seriously though, am I submitting to a silly publication on Medium or the goddamn Associated Press? Give me a break or, uh, I don’t know, tell me how to make it fucking “funnier” next time?
You see what I’m saying.
And let’s be real. All gatekeepers inherently suck. This editor? No exception. His attention to detail (or lack thereof) is one more justification for automation. Roll in a robot for this guy, one that speaks 79 languages and perfectly understands funny shit—no worries, the robot can’t possibly screw this up worse than the editor they’ve got now. See for yourself, this is the last email I sent (which resulted in the 4th rejection):
Subject line: URGENT Submission
Hi, I’ve been turned down by ______ like three times now. I refuse to wait 14 days only to receive another rejection email, so if you like this story please add me as a writer ASAP.
Is it not obvious I refuse to wait 14 days only to receive another rejection email? Apparently not, because guess who’s sliding in my DMs rejecting me two weeks later?
Clearly this guy doesn’t understand context or nuance. Dude had the nerve to respond late, reject me (again), then remind me to submit unpublished drafts in the future— bitch, there won’t be any more submissions in the future!!! You’ve shut me down 4 times consecutively, what else am I supposed to do?
You’ve basically ruined my whole idea of comedy. Why would I ever give you—excuse me, offer your publication the opportunity to “consider” my writing, meep—just to sit here and endure another irresponsibly long waiting period for rejection via email, via snobbery, via no feedback or advice?
Here’s the real joke tho:
Couple days later, another [far more superior] publication picked up the story…
*Medium distributes in “Humor.”
Friend Avoids Other Friend Who Writes About Everything
For 23-year-old Axle Mangford, it's become increasingly obvious his other friend, Corbin Ganders, is avoiding him.…
Ha! Now that’s irony.