I’ve been running a lot lately… Running from writing. Running from things that require focus. Running from elements of my life I know need care and adjustment.
Everything just feels difficult (and awkward). My thoughts are jaded; my ideas are worn. Positive energy has been hard to come by and nothing feels the way it’s “supposed to ”— life is odd and I feel out of touch.
Simply writing this is causing friction against the negative tendencies looming around in my head. I’ve refrained from writing. When you feel the way I’ve felt, it’s really hard to pretend you’ve got the answers. But it’s very easy to doubt yourself. Although this is helpful, I understand there are no cut-and-dry answers or quick fixes to the issues I’ve been dealing with. No, me writing this metaphorical “therapy session” won’t solve my problems either. There won’t be any breakthroughs by the time I’m done with this keyboard…
But so what? This is better than avoiding the shit I’m going through.
I’m getting to the bottom of why: Why do I have a poor outlook? Why do I doubt my self-worth? Why does it feel like I’m constantly smashing into life and stumbling backward?
Among many things, it’s stress, loneliness, and lack of self-care.
These are not simple obstacles to overcome and no matter how bad you want to just “snap out of it,” you have to deal with it and let it play out.
A young Drake once said:
“Time heals all, and heels hurt to walk in.”
I don’t know why, but that stupid song lyric came to mind.
Time is powerful because time means you’re moving forward. As time passes, you add new experiences to life — good or bad, you adapt to those stimulations and you learn to cope with them (however long it may take).
At first, I didn’t know how to react. I ran and did things that felt good in the moment, but deeply hurt me over the long-haul. It created a vicious cycle: feel bad, do something and feel slightly better, then end up feeling worse than I did to begin with because I hadn’t really done anything to resolve my issues.
*rinse and repeat*
I struggled with this for a while.
The reason I’m on a slight mental come-up is because I’m being more intentional with the things I choose to feed on.
We all choose what kind of energy we want to bring into our lives. Sometimes, we get attached to things that are not good energy, only disguised as such. I’ve realized I have to be intentional about what I feed from and take initiative; no more reacting. I can’t keep feeling sorry for myself and digging a deeper hole.
If I want to get out of the damn hole, I’ve got to start climbing.
(And stop watching YouTube videos on how to get out of a hole.)
I’m happy I’m taking steps in the right direction, even if they’re so small nobody can even notice them. This article amounts to virtually nothing, but for me, it’s a teeny, tiny, little victory. I’ll take it.
Like I said, there aren’t any quick fixes for real, ingrained problems in life — there’s only acceptance and action. If you’re feeling some type of way, please ask yourself:
“What am I feeding from?”