This is a rare feeling. I find that you can’t really find it if you’re actually looking for it. It sounds counterintuitive, but many things are this way. Life’s greatest questions are often paradoxical— they mean everything and nothing at the same time. What is time? Everything and nothing.
What is the meaning of life? Everything and nothing.
Today, I realized I need to give up my selfishness in order to get to the bottom of my desires in the first place. I like to study myself and what I think and know to be true; often times, I’ll try to align all three. When I do this, I do it with every last ounce of energy in my being.
I over-analyze everything and think way too much.
A lot of people say that — that they “think” too much. Most people only do this to seem cool and deep and interesting to other people.
Me? I am actually cool and deep and interesting.
And I really do think too much.
I inspect everything to a degree that’s unnecessary and, sometimes, counterproductive. I create master plans to get exactly what I want. I have ideas destined to become profound manifestations for the world to relish in for years to come. I pay all my attention to the details nobody will ever even notice.
I’ve tracked every calorie and ounce of water I’ve consumed since Christmas of 2016. I’ve mastered the same song in GarageBand 37 times this month. I can’t pee in close proximity to other human beings. My discipline / studious / analytic tendencies are my own downfall in excess. I get trapped in states meaningless routine. I put too much trust in the process. I lock my mental bandwidth in a f*cking cage till I become enraged with passion and testosterone and savagely thrust myself into madness and break things that are really important to me.
Sometimes I put a price on my head and keep it there in the clouds for way too long. I am not special. I can’t force myself into transformation with all the intensity and stiffness and grit I’m currently enforcing.
I need to relax.
I need to downshift.
I need to pour into my mind.