Resolutions are a fresh fart—start, I mean. They are a firm decision to do (or not do) something; like hitting the gas when a light turns yellow. You’re either going or I hate you. Simple as that! Here are some of my most stupidest New Year’s resolutions.
Increased cereal security. Normally, I just shove the bag down as far as I can and leave it at that. Seems like a fair compromise for something so trivial. But, this is so-called “laziness” and a quality I refuse to carry into the New Year. From now on, I’m serious about the safety of my Honey Nuts—I’m securing that thing shut, tab, clip, and all.
Anger management. I’m done shunning the entire female population every time I find a [disgustingly] long piece of hair. No, I don’t care if it’s actually touching me or I know who it belongs to. If I see one, I’m repulsed at any and all women, end of story. But this is more laziness — men have long hair too. I’ll be more thorough in my resentment in 2019.
Crossing the street. I can’t say I’m a big crosswalk guy. Never really been my thing. Growing up, it was always look both ways and go. But now, in my adulthood, I carelessly stumble into the street all the time and suddenly realize “Oh, I could have died just then.” I’ll just go ahead and get to the crosswalk this year.
Journaling. Bro, definitely gonna start keeping a journal. Not because I genuinely believe in it or trust the power of writing or anything — only because this is what every self-improvement hack suggested I do. Gonna try it out. Can’t wait to be deep and, like, sophisticated.
Urinals. Typically, if I have the option, I’ll pee in a stall over a urinal. I’m selfish. I’ll gladly jeopardize the cleanliness of a stall to bypass the inevitable splatter of a urinal—shit’s honestly disgusting. But, in all fairness, I really shouldn’t sabotage the entire surface area of a stall for the poor soul whose really gotta go. I admit, I can be careless, especially if I have zero intentions of reentering said bathroom. I seriously gotta clean this up.
Stupid sayings. I plan to leave the horrendous saying “hold you over” in 2018. As in, “just eat a snack to hold you over.” Sucks soooo bad, I can’t even begin to express my discontent for this awful phrase.
Shoe tying. So get this, I don’t actually tie my shoes every time I put them on. (God, I’m lazy.) I strategically tie them once, just to a point where they’re snug on my feet, but loose enough to slip on. There’s a sweet spot. However, it’s time I pay my due diligence and stop with these ill-willed shortcuts.
Washing my hands. In the past, I’ve been one to slack on reciting the entire alphabet whilst washing my hands. Most times, it’s an “a-b-c-no-pee-on-me” and I’m outta that sum bitch. Sometimes (actually only in public), I deceptively splash water on my hands just to come off as a half-hygienic human being.
… You know what? I’m tired of pretending! From now on I’ll just walk out.