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Faulty Self
I’m in a space, I feel pressure to move forward and ascend beyond what I already am. And overcome what I know is faulty about myself.
That’s funny. How I can be aware of my pitfalls, yet still fall face first into them.
I think about that all the time. How I am constantly working against myself and fighting against who I am… or who I’m supposed to be.
It’s all very disturbing.
It’s disturbing because it’s chaotic. And that’s how we are as people, we naturally just suck and our whole life is trying to undo that, trying to turn chaos into order. It’s like how you feel when you clean your room. Or when you say a joke and your friends laugh — that’s order. That’s order because what you want and expect to happen aligns with what actually happens. And that feels good because it’s good to be organized in a messy world.
I have a lot of poor qualities and questionable motives.
I find reasons to not address the things I know I should and that’s typically a sign I need to self-examine and plead with God for guidance. The more I do that, the more confident and safe and empowered I become. I suppose it’s important to speak and be honest about the things bustling about in my heart.
… hm what else.
