Faulty Self
I’m in a space, I feel pressure to move forward and ascend beyond what I already am. And overcome what I know is faulty about myself.
That’s funny. How I can be aware of my pitfalls, yet still fall face first into them.
I think about that all the time. How I am constantly working against myself and fighting against who I am… or who I’m supposed to be.
It’s all very disturbing.
It’s disturbing because it’s chaotic. And that’s how we are as people, we naturally just suck and our whole life is trying to undo that, trying to turn chaos into order. It’s like how you feel when you clean your room. Or when you say a joke and your friends laugh — that’s order. That’s order because what you want and expect to happen aligns with what actually happens. And that feels good because it’s good to be organized in a messy world.
I have a lot of poor qualities and questionable motives.
I find reasons to not address the things I know I should and that’s typically a sign I need to self-examine and plead with God for guidance. The more I do that, the more confident and safe and empowered I become. I suppose it’s important to speak and be honest about the things bustling about in my heart.
… hm what else.
I am always thinking, but never doing. Ok, maybe not never but I definitely slack. alot. I usually fall into patterns that are easy and feel good. And this is just fine for a while, but it’s frail and short-lived. Like a house built on poor foundation, it just creates a sense of impending fear.
And that’s always there.
Back to what I was saying about poor qualities and motives. I’m trying to figure out what I’m trying to say here.
I just know I’m very flawed. And I’m flawed in many ways. I think that’s because who I am, what I want, and what I do doesn’t coincide with all the opinions and doctrines and judgments I value so highly. Like the standards in my mind, I admire them and strive to be more built around them. But there’s the ocean — life is exactly like the ocean. We’re just sandcastles on the beach, trying to be strong and put together, but life just keeps washing us away. And we’re ugly after the waves crash over us! Eh, we are just pitiful, worthless mounds of nothing if all we do is lay there and let life happen.
So we have to build ourselves back. We have to care enough to put forth the energy needed to make us who we are.. and we have to do that even though we know the tide will come again.
