I meant to write something on September 1st — I blinked, now the month is half way over.

I just haven’t had anything interesting to say. I haven’t felt anything worth expressing in writing. I think this is where the problem lies.

I’ve found that writing is maybe the least expressive form of communication. Okay, maybe expressive isn’t the right word. Maybe it is. I don’t know, you can be really clear and super logical and thorough with writing, but it lacks something human — something inexpressible through words on a screen.

When we speak, our bodies do most of the talking. Eyes, hands, and posture convey so much more than a well chosen synonym or semicolon ever could.

Not to mention voice, like duh, your voice has a direct link to your heart and your feelings and emotions. So, as it turns out, there are better ways to communicate other than typing aimlessly into the ether.

Go figure.

Over the last several months, I’ve been more willing to directly talk to people about what’s knocking on my mind and heart. Part of that’s the luxury of having people around who I love and trust. But part of that’s the willingness to be vulnerable and wrong and confusing in front of someone else.

There’ve been times over the last 6 months where I’ve found myself thinking about a narrative in my head.. “Oo, I could write about this.”

This notion is quickly met with dismay as I recall all the dejection behind my previous stories — all the seemingly wasted energy and lack of reciprocity.

It calls to question the point of this.

I’ve come to terms that writing is really boring when it’s transactional. As in there’s no relational connection, it’s just about swapping information with no regard for who is speaking or listening. And unfortunately I’ve subscribed to that pattern in the past because that’s what’s “successful” on Medium.

But hopefully I can stop caring about perception as much. Hopefully I can care more about saying what needs to be said, rather than what should be said because let me tell you, I have no desire to write something widespread and generic closely resembling a business report. And I hate feeling the need dress up my ideas so their pretty and presentable and perfect.

No, the point of this, like this right here, is to understand myself better.

That’s mostly all this is — to better understand how I think and why I think. The value lives inside me as I become lighter and brighter and more clearly defined as a person.

Bored, uneducated, homeless — em dashes are my specialty. I write what I see, think, and feel. That’s it.