I Like Toothpicks

For some reason, I imagine Ricky Bobby improvising an ad:

“Have you ever even held a toothpick? Stick one through your cheek and tell me life doesn’t instantly get cooler.”

Ah. I’m dying. Ok, seriously, toothpicks are highly underrated. It’s almost unnecessary how useful they are and I’m not even kidding. They are both versatile and convenient and should be used as tissues, chapstick, and sunscreen are used.

For One

I chew the side of my cheek like NO OTHER. Oh my, it’s disgusting, but I love ripping off a big ole’ chunk. I get weirdly satisfied by it, I don’t even know why I do it. It’s nasty, but it happens.

Hey, stick a pick in there and I don’t bite my cheek? It works.

Score: 1 for the pick


These little things help me concentrate. Studying, writing, driving, whatever — I somehow focus better if I have a toothpick in my mouth.

I remember in 5th grade, they gave out mints before state-wide testing … told us it’d make us better and smarter. We blindly trusted them, thus I MADE SURE to get my 2 peppermints, every one and a half hours, everyday of the week, or else I would not test. Literally, I’d say “I need a mint, I’m taking a test here!”

Eventually, it turned into:

“Don’t even ask me anymore. Yes I want the mint, lady.”

Score: 2 for the pick

Rounding 3rd

There are many random uses for one single toothpick. I almost don’t even have to explain, but I will.

Clean your teeth. Clean your tongue. Clean your fingernails (after use). Get the dust outta your keyboard. Reset that button on your watch. I mean shit, open an envelope? I’m not even taking time to think of these.

Score: 3,4,5,6 ,7 for the pick

Almost home, watch out!

You have to be careful though. Toothpicks are not for the careless. This ain’t for all you “young and reckless” crazy kids— you are not ready for this dangerous lifestyle.

The number one pitfall: Do not chock and die by toothpick.

Gotta watch out for this. Unlikely, but hey, ever seen 1,000 Ways to Die? Death is so far in the realm of possibility, it’s not even funny.

So, when gone pickin,’ beware of these:

  • Opening a door and smashing the pick through back of throat
  • Removing shirt and dragging pick up into nose (i.e. brain)
  • If you’re really bold and you tuck the entire pick when drinking, do not let pick go down with drink (it will not go smooth).

Home run

I know I made a lot of funnies here, but seriously, toothpicks are a great substitute for all kinds of harmful chemicals / tobacco.

(See, there’s a real element of concern here)

Tooth pickin’ beats out dip, cigs, vape, and other unhealthy habits like drinking way too much Coco-cola.

Give the toothpick a try.

Okay. Later.

- AZ

Bored, uneducated, homeless — em dashes are my specialty. I write what I see, think, and feel. That’s it.

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Alec Zaffiro

Alec Zaffiro

Bored, uneducated, homeless — em dashes are my specialty. I write what I see, think, and feel. That’s it.

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