This morning, I turned down a road I’d never been on. It was long, narrow, extending endlessly into the distance, lined with blooming adolescent trees.
It made me feel. It made me disassociate from the music playing, the bustling of my car, the idea of myself. I was there, just there and soon realized it was the first time I had been present in two weeks.
I am living in a new space. A side of me yearns to publicize my surroundings and declare the new things I am seeing and experiencing. Another part of me needs none of that — another part of me needs to be on the fringe, traversing the unknown alone, willfully lost in what is novel and new.
I thought a lot about God today.
I thought a lot about righteousness and what that means. I wonder if I can live up to His expectations. I question if I can see the visions I know are in place for me. The only thing I am certain of is my shortcoming:
“None is righteous, no, not one;
no one understands;
no one seeks for God.
All have turned aside; together they have become worthless;
no one does good,
not even one.”
“Their throat is an open grave;
they use their tongues to deceive.”
“The venom of vipers is under their lips.”
“Their mouth is full of curses and bitterness.”
“Their feet are swift to shed blood;
in their paths are ruin and misery,
and the way of peace they have not known.”
“There is no fear of God before their eyes.”
I think of my moments of fallibilism. How promptly I slip and nosedive into human arguments for why I am ok the way I am — why it’s admissible to make these choices I make or warrant the behavior I exude. It is all before God. All of it. He knows my heart despite my ignorance. Still, He remains faithful, even when I myself cannot remain faithful to Him. What a gift that is. And how foolish to disregard or not choose to see that?
People become people before they realize who they are becoming. There is serious utility in examining the who, or what, you are filling. It’s equally important to understand the role you are acting out, especially in a landscape unfolding before you.