Man’s Attempt to Socialize In Public Bathroom Fails

not mine

I had a guy randomly try to start a conversation with me the other day.

I hated it.

This man decided to shoot his shot in a public bathroom at night, arguably the last place you’d ever expect (or want) to make a friend.

I aggressively barge through the bathroom door. Normally I don’t enter via barge, but when you gotta go, there’s literally no time to waste.

Now, this is one of those secluded administrative bathrooms on campus. At night, you’re thinking you’ve got a solid chance at having that thing to yourself. I didn’t expect anyone to be in there.

So, I burst in and there’s a guy standing way too close to the entrance—he’s just staring at himself in the mirror. Cool. I avoid contact as I am seconds away from urination.

I alleviate myself per yoozh then return to wash my hands.

He’s still there in front of the sink-wide mirror.

This is where dude decides to strike up a conversation. For him, all signs point to yes:

Public bathroom, at night, alone with a complete stranger? Friends for life.

I flip the sink, hit the soap, and swiftly begin washing my hands.

He turns to me, “Hey man, do you go to the gym?”

I stand there — gym bag over my shoulder — and through the mirror reply “How’d you know?”

He says “I’ve seen you there before.”

I glance over at him now, water still running, and stare into his soul.

I’ve never seen him in my life.

Now I’m thinking “OK he just asked me a question he already knew the answer to. I don’t recognize him. I think it’s time for me to go.”

I smirk, “Yeah I lift” then turn to dry my hands.

This is my white flag to this abysmal conversation—ball is 100% in his court if he wants to keep this thing going. Then, to my complete disgust, he opens the door for me to exit.

“Yeah, I haven’t been in a while.”

Shit, we’re really having a conversation right now.

By his polite, yet strategic social gesture, he now has me locked-in and committed to his plans of at least becoming acquaintances.

“You gotta get to the fucking gym,” I tell him.

Finally, we’re slow pacing down the hall, trading obvious information such as “I’ve got homework to do” and “I go here too.” The weather is undoubtedly on deck. Then, after 58 seconds of knowing each other, we come to a crossroad.

“Oh, you’re leaving now?” he asks.

“Yes. This has been great, but I’m going home.”

He was a nice guy and all… but I really just had to pee.

- AZ

Bored, uneducated, homeless — em dashes are my specialty. I write what I see, think, and feel. That’s it.

Bored, uneducated, homeless — em dashes are my specialty. I write what I see, think, and feel. That’s it.