Naked And Afraid

Today ushered in a seemingly new low for me. Everything is going the exact opposite of well. The simplest of things have become arduous mental tasks. I’m stumbling over the details and semantics of life. Great.

I question if I can even write coherently?

For some reason, I feel like if life were a billboard right now, it’d say:

“Sorry, couldn’t think of anything good.”

I wonder what’s gonna happen; with people, with money, with everything that matters.

The messages I’m sending are not delivering. I listen too much. I don’t say enough — and when I do it comes out wrong. I really need to focus this new angle. I can’t though, I’m actually staring down, confused at what I’m even holding in my hands asking “wtf is this thing?” New is not always good. Change is not always good. I know, it’s a “growth opportunity,” but right now I’m jumbled. Actually, I am the literal definition of ‘angst’ and ‘aloof.’ (Good words, look them up.)

I hate feeling preoccupied by shit that does not have any meaning to me.

I hate when I can’t say what I’m thinking — when I can’t put what I’m thinking into saying sucks, too. I’m depressed probably, or stressed.

When you go through severe twists, monumental loss, and straight up failure, you’re supposed to feel unease. I assume you’re a human being too. Accept the shit life dumps in your face. Embrace suck. Rent’s due. Stop trying to be God and find some goddamn footing. Balance. How optimistic should you be? Stop worrying about it.

Yes, it’s possible to control your mind and body in new ways.

Yes, it’s normal to feel this horrible. Maybe it’s just a bad day.

I wonder if I write more, I’ll be able to think better? I always try to retrain and create patterns. Maybe I’m not a good speaker. Maybe I’m destined to become nothing. Maybe I’m just really messed up.

Writing is kind of slow for me now.

I learned today that people think you’re lying to them if you say “in all honesty” at the start of your sentence. I learned that people think about as fast as a race car at 120mph, but speak at like 15mph —something like that. If that’s the case, then I write at walking pace.

I’ve been drowning.

I’m actually really fucking terrified about the future.

Ah.