Say What You’re Feeling Out Loud

I feel like that’s very important.

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I don’t know why I didn’t want to hangout with ____ tonight. I think I went into it with bad mojo. I don’t know why I didn’t enjoy it. I was anxious to have ____ come over here, I thought it would be lame. Then I went there and something about it… I think it’s just the weed, I don’t know. I guess I had fun.

But I don’t know, like…

It helps me think. I wonder why I think so differently? You know, why I don’t always see the ways I see right now. I think I’m much more in-tune with what I want. And I wish I could carry that clarity over into my everyday life. I’m not sure why it is that I struggle, why I feel like things are hard. I really feel like life is coming towards me, coming at me, and I don’t feel prepared.

I think I’m just experiencing change.

I think I experienced my hardest year in 2018. I just see how it’s really changed me mentally and how I feel about things. I think of the future, I think of the past. I wonder why I’m this way, at this time, and why it’s so damn difficult to understand — it’s just… you know.

I think time is very strange.

For some reason I can say that now, but I can’t say that other times. It just makes me ask, why now does this concept feel so relevant to everything now? Then I go back in my mind. Why do I feel all the surface emotions I feel? Why are my default emotions bad?

Then I feel like it’s because I…

I feel like I’ve retracted in life. While other things have risen up, I feel like coming back is harder. I feel like time just… it’s hard to describe.

The concept of time, it feels like moving. Like the stages, it’s so weird I understand I’m in the present now. I can recall the past; I can’t believe it brought me here. I think about the future and it’s so completely unknown.

The constructs of time is so weird, like I know eventually there’s an end to all this—I know I’m limited. But that also makes me realize I should go after the opportunities in front of me. I know opportunities are coming. I know I have to make really big decisions. I’m supposed to, at least.

This phase just isn’t what I thought it would be.

Everything is strange.

I care about music. This is a nice segway like, I care about music so much more than I let myself realize. I enjoy music, and I say that (everyone enjoys music) but the fact I feel like I’ve lost my identity with music is strange I think.

I’m a person experiencing really messed up shit and hardship and change… I’m just experiencing a rough patch, a weird transition mode maybe.

Go back to whatever I was just saying… Uhm.

The moral of the story is I’m a person who’s hurting and I think you should ask yourself why you think the way you do about the past, present, and future. Look at your position in the world. Why do you view yourself the way you do? Why do you feel the way you do? Most importantly, why don’t you say what you’re feeling out loud?

And, you know…

This story is a transcription of an audio recording. The purpose of this is to emphasis the difference between writing and spoken word. We ask more questions in real time.

Bored, uneducated, homeless — em dashes are my specialty. I write what I see, think, and feel. That’s it.

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