1 YEAR AGO I WOULD NOT GIVE UP
August 4th, 2022 (10:21am)
Macon is hard and difficult place. I am LOSING money here. I’m ashamed. At my lack of faith. I’ve put my worth in this job, basing my value on amount of accounts I sell. It’s futile.
Realizing what’s important. My health. My family. My intimate relationship. My servitude to God. I’m so ashamed. This is going to be a trying time, but I vouch to remain strong. To focus on serving. To take on a selfless attitude, the attitude of a servant.
I will not give up. I may fall short of my goal but I will not give up. I will bolster my faith in goodness and accept my lowly position. I will befriend and value people today. I will serve my Lord, above all else.
Interpretation: 🔄
I recorded this in Macon, Georgia, the dirty under-carriage of Atlanta. Macon was a truly horrible place to sell smart home security systems.
For one, it was horribly hot. Second, the homeowners seemed entirely numb to crime. They were ruthlessly skeptical and often short-tempered.
My production at work plummeted from the moment we arrived.
Everything kept changing. Nothing felt stable.
We had no proper office. Coworkers I’d come to regard as friends returned to college. The team didn’t feel like a team anymore.
I remember wanting to leave so bad to be with my fiancé.
I wanted to run away. I wanted to give up — QUIT. I knew I made the money I needed to sustain comfortably through the offseason.
Despite the challenges of Macon, I couldn’t allow myself to abandon the summer program. I didn’t want to make excuses. I didn’t want the “easy way out.”
Application: ⤵️
I find it interesting I expressed shame twice in this entry.
“I’m so ashamed.”
I felt really worthless once I realized sales metrics were controlling my self-esteem. It’s a bad idea to attach self-worth to things like athleticism, creativity, or money. Those things are fleeting.
Self-worth should rest in who you are.
I think this is why I was so damn determined to push through.
Macon stripped away all my newfound “self-worth.” I had been crushing all summer. Now, all the sudden, I felt defunct, ineffective, and low.
There were so many factors impacting my job I couldn’t control..
But I could control my reaction.
I had 100% control of my response to the situation.
I chose to not give up. I chose to stand firm in the midst of hardship. And that’s something I can look back on respectfully.
-AZ
